“Lip Balm Wars: The Best and Worst of Winter’s Most Essential Survival Gear “
What’s up, snow slayers? We’ve all been there—halfway down a sick run, pulling off a gnarly carve when your lips start feeling like sandpaper. It’s not just dry skin, folks; it’s a full-blown winter lip emergency. Whether you’re an all-day shredder or just in it for the après, your lips need a little love. And guess what? Not all lip balms are created equal. Some are the ultimate essential in your snowboarding arsenal, while others are just, well… slushy trash. Let’s dive into the best and worst of these wintery wonders—because nothing ruins a run like chapped lips. And hey, if you’re getting desperate, you can always try bacon grease. Let’s see how that works out.
The Best Lip Balms: Smooth Like a Perfect Carve
1. Burt’s Bees: The Goat of Lip Balm
Burt’s Bees is the GOAT of lip balms. Don’t even fight me on this. It’s like that perfect pair of bindings that never let you down.
- Pros: It’s all natural, which means it’s not full of weird chemicals that make your lips feel like they’ve been waxed and sealed. Plus, it’s moisturizing, like that perfect drop of fresh snow at the top of the run. It absorbs fast, doesn’t leave a greasy film, and gives your lips that fresh minty chill.
- Cons: Zero. Seriously. If you haven’t jumped on the Burt’s Bees train, you’re still in the bunny hill phase of lip care.
- Pro Tip: Keep one in your pocket, one in your backpack, and one in your car. You never know when that snowstorm will come for your lips.
2. Carmex: The Classic Shredder’s Secret
Carmex is like the first time you drop into a new park. It’s a little tingly, a little intense, but it does the job.
- Pros: You get that instant relief from the second you apply it. The classic mint tingle is like an energy shot for your lips. It’s fast-absorbing, long-lasting, and the spicy flavor gives you the extra push to hit that next jump without wincing from the cold.
- Cons: That tingling can be intense—you might feel like your lips are on fire, but in a good way. Like, “I’m about to destroy this double black” way.
- Pro Tip: Throw it on before you hit the slopes and let it work its magic while you shred.
3. Aquaphor: The Heavy Duty Lip Savior
Aquaphor is the unsung hero of lip balms—like that quiet shredder who’s always in the back but can stomp a massive trick without anyone noticing.
- Pros: This stuff is thick. It’s like the protective jacket your lips need when you’re in the middle of a snowstorm. Perfect for extreme dryness and windburn, and it lasts longer than a day of deep powder runs.
- Cons: It’s a little greasy, so don’t expect to throw it on and instantly grab your sandwich. Your hands will be a little sticky, but hey, priorities.
- Pro Tip: Aquaphor is perfect for the end of the day when your lips are totally trashed from that cold wind, but it’s not ideal if you’re going for a clean look during a quick après hangout.
4. Bacon Grease: The Desperate Lip-Saving Hero
Alright, I get it. Sometimes you’re out there, deep in the backcountry, or you just ran out of lip balm, and the only thing available is your trusty bacon grease. You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.
- Pros: Bacon grease is, well, greasy, which means it’ll coat those chapped lips in a thick layer. It’s basically like layering on some extra skin. And hey, bacon’s got fat—good fat, right?
- Cons: The scent… oh, the scent. You might smell delicious to your friends, but they’re also going to be wondering why your lips smell like they belong on a breakfast plate. It’s like the ultimate après lip balm, but probably not a good idea if you plan to kiss anyone afterward.
- Pro Tip: Use it in extreme emergencies. Like, really extreme. Think stranded on the mountain with no other options, or just feeling way too lazy to go buy the good stuff.
The Worst Lip Balms: What Not to Pack in Your Jacket
1. ChapStick (Standard Flavor)
Look, ChapStick is the OG. But come on, it’s like trying to ride a skateboard when you’ve got a longboard under your feet.
- Pros: You know what you’re getting—basic, no-frills lip care.
- Cons: The standard ChapStick doesn’t have enough staying power for hardcore riders. You apply it, and an hour later, you feel like you never even put any on. It’s as if your lips are just eating it like an avalanche swallows everything in its path.
- Pro Tip: Stick to this stuff if you’re literally doing nothing outside. If you’re charging the mountain, this won’t hold up.
2. Lip Smackers: For the Teenager Who Doesn’t Shred
Lip Smackers? What are we doing here, folks?
- Pros: It’s sweet. If you want a cherry lip gloss, this is your jam.
- Cons: You’ll look like you’re preparing for a hot date on the bunny hill instead of laying down carves like a boss. Plus, it has zero lasting power. It’s basically a sugary film that’s gonna be gone in five minutes when the wind picks up.
- Pro Tip: If you’ve got a swag session to take a selfie for, sure, go ahead. But on the slopes? No.
3. Vaseline: The Goopy Mess That Won’t Quit
Look, Vaseline might seem like a good idea when you’re desperate, but it’s basically lip sabotage.
- Pros: It’s thick and can handle anything. Like, you could probably survive the apocalypse with Vaseline on your lips.
- Cons: It’s a greasy, sticky nightmare. You can’t talk, you can’t eat, and if you even think about grabbing your snowboard, you’re gonna end up with grease stains.
- Pro Tip: Only use it in the most extreme cases (like after a week-long storm), but don’t even think about using it on the slopes. Stick to something more breathable.
Final Thoughts: The Lip Balm War Is Real
So, whether you’re grinding rails in the park or blasting through a deep powder field, your lips need some serious TLC. Don’t mess around with those sad, slippery excuses for balm. Stick to the tried-and-true winners that keep you sliding smoothly without your lips turning into cracked desert landscapes.
And remember, Burt’s Bees is always the shredding MVP. Bacon grease? Maybe don’t make it your go-to unless you’re in a serious lip-care crisis.
Stay frosty, my friends. But not in the lips department.
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